Why interviews make no sense

Interview experts across the globe advise you to be yourself in an interview. Well, if that has to be followed, you would just end up hurling abuses at the interview panel. Moreover, expletives don’t really go well with formal attire and that borrowed tie and suit. Most of us have been through job interviews at some or the other point in our lives. There are some questions which 99.9% of us would have faced at every damn interview. These questions are to interviews what Sooryavansham is to SET Max - redundant, repetitive and obsolete. Let’s crack them, once and for all.

Tell me about yourself:  This question is mostly the first to be asked even before you take a seat trying your hand at aligning your tie-knot to the center and carries no meaning or relevance. It clearly depicts the nervousness and lack of home-work done by the interviewing panel and while you answer this question, they get to read your CV and build up subsequent questions. 99% of the interviewers don’t even listen to you as you answer this question. If you want to double-check, try blabbering anything irrelevant and you shall be astonished that nobody noticed!

Why should we hire you?:   Well, a team of experts at their end went through your profile and did numerous checks before calling you for the interview. They haven’t wasted their time as well as yours in the interview process for no reason. They consider you fit to work for their company, and yet they want to hear it from you. Tell them how they would lose a great resource to their competitor if they didn’t hire you.

What are your strengths and weaknesses?:  Most recruiters think of this bland question as a wicked trick to undress the candidate. They would happily ignore your strengths but would be hell bent on interrogating you about your weaknesses. How on earth would your weaknesses benefit their company when they have never worked in your favor even once?

Why do you want to work at our company?:  Be frank and tell them that it is not only THEIR company for whom you want to work. Tell them about the interviews you would be heading to after finishing theirs. Tell them about the offers you have in hand. Make them feel inferior. Gain an upper hand.

Can you work under pressure? Try answering this with Yes, but I charge an extra million for every ten Pascals and then observe their faces.

Tell me something about our company: Another stupid question. You are reminded of the times when you have to keep waiting for 99 hours in the ladies section of a shopping mall holding a kid/ shopping bags and your wife/girlfriend suddenly emerges out of the trial room and asks you: ‘Main kaisi lag rahi hoon?’ in spite of having three life size mirrors in the trial room. Whatever your answer is, she’s still going to buy that dress.

How much salary do you expect?: Put forward a figure, and the next question they will ask is how much you got paid at your previous job. Counter-question them by asking how much they used to pay the person who was earlier in charge of your job. The funny thing about companies is that they will always ask you how much your previous company paid you but never reveal what they used to pay the earlier guy. Somewhere in the race for jobs, we have forgotten that companies need candidates as badly as candidates need jobs. It is somehow falsely assumed that a company has an upper hand over the job seeking candidate.

Where do you see yourself five years from now? ‘Let’s see if you can afford me for a year; then we shall see for the next four’, you are prompted to say. But your education and etiquette have ruined you to such an extent that you keep on speaking shit like career, hierarchy and promotion.

Why did you resign from your previous job? Well, this is an uncomfortable question. No matter how much you have lied in your life, you always fall short of creative answers for this question. While your brain constantly thinks of the peanuts in your pay-slip or a bad-ass boss, you always end up mentioning good career/brand/money as the reason. If you have mentioned creativity as one of your strengths, here is the chance for execution.

Why should I hire you from the outside when I could promote someone from within? This is outright meaningless because companies hire recruitment agencies and pay them to find candidates for a job. Some of the recruitment agencies are even secretly owned by the spouses of those gentlemen with shining suits who are interviewing you! Promoting someone from within would mean loss of commission for the recruitment agency. No way they’ll do it.

How do you feel about reporting to a younger person? Tell them that your wife/girlfriend is younger to you and doesn’t even pay you for obeying her. You would be more than happy to report to a younger boss as long as you get paid for it. Impress them with stale quotes on age and intelligence/maturity.

Looking back, what would you do differently in your life? This is a game changer. Look back from the chair, literally. Pretend as if you thought deeply. Then answer: I should have knocked the door before entering. I am deeply sorry that I screwed up your Candy Crush scores.